I'm Sorry, I Left Your Soul in My Other Pants
by anythingzombie
Summary: For Bella'sExecutioner. Edward Cullen has found himself in a new world full of Vampires, Humans and Werewolves. In order to get back home he must turn everyone against each other. Too bad he's caught in the crossfire. X-Over with Army of Darkness. -DEAD-
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:** First of and foremost, this little (little? psh...yeah right.) goes to Bella'sExecutioner. She wrote me a lovely, fuck-awesome oneshot about me and Alec. It was one of the greatest things I've ever gotten for my birthday. So now I return the favor, writing a oneshot turned fic about a man who falls into another world. Welcome to the crossover of Twilight and the Army of Darkness. Now, if you haven't seen AoD then everything is fine because this story is hardly anything like it. I have a way of changing things up, quite a lot actually.

Special thanks goes to IChimpz who's been my muse and supporter during this thing that's still not finished. :) And also to my girls on skype, plus Chip..and Leon? I don't really count Leon, though. And to the people on twitter. Twitter people are the best.

**Tip:** The random italics are when things are back in present day. He's telling a story with two morons who need to question things.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own any of these characters, but I guess Ashward is mine. And this fucked up plot.

**Warning:** I'll swallow your soul!

Without further ado, I present you with a totally OOC/Parody/Humor/Crossover/Action-thingy.

It's sure to bring you some Bonefied Lovin' ;)

**

* * *

I'm Sorry, I Left Your Soul in My Other Pants**

I am going to seriously spontaneously combust if those ugly ass kids keep looking at me. I'd never seen so much curls and curves on a chick before. She was like a fucking hybrid between a poodle and a prostitute; not a pretty image. And the guy? Do not get me started, please, I beg you. But anyways. They were eye raping me like two molesters who've just gotten out of an isolation cell and were free to probe me with whatever torture sex toys they had on them. The girl had dark hair that floated around her – it kinda looked like a nest. I wondered if any birds were in there.

Or bugs.

Gross.

But hey, bugs are a _helluva_ lot better than a werewolf in heat.

Trust me.

And the guy - he looked like a bloated teenager surrounded by a wall of desperation and virginity. He was a strange shade of tan. It wasn't normal. Almost as if he dyed his skin a blotchy yellow-orange color. It was like he had gotten hugged by a cheese monster or some fucking make believe shit like that. Clearly this guy didn't know the difference between rinse and repeat. He looked like a hobo, just a little more rich.

Whoever these two ugly fuckers were, they were staring at me.

I do not like to be ogled at.

You wouldn't either if you were standing in front of ruthless and hungry vampires just waiting for a fresh neck to sink their teeth into.

I shudder at the thought.

But damn, I'd give anything to rip a cold, non-beating heart out.

It wasn't like I never had before.

Oh, how I loved her. Plus she was great in bed.

Where was I? Oh, yes. The fuglies and their stares.

I took a sip off my beer and set it down, hard enough to break it. But I didn't because I have control_._ I glared at the two, well, I'm not sure that's possible nowadays. Basically I narrowed my _eye _at them. It was the only one I had. Damn werewolf and its pussy ass clawing. Bastard got away with my eye, but that was all.

I nodded my chin at the two and then at the empty seats beside me. Their eyes widened. Boy were they slow. I motioned them over with my hand; they quickly yet very slowly came to where I was.

"Do you have a problem?" I asked them rudely. Well – I wasn't going to do it nicely.

The girl shook her head and the boy quickly did the same. He was whipped with a capital w-chh. Sucks for him. Letting a girl put that pretty little diamond studded collar on you is when you know that you have officially became an pet, not a person. Bastards and their needs to get fucked. If the girl wants you to hold her purse and be all romantic, and you're willing to do what she wants first is just…wrong. Men need to take charge. They need to be Alpha males. Not these prissy little punks that just want a glimpse at a side boob. Disgusting pervs. Too bad I'm one of them, but at least I have the decency to make the girl chase me – not the other way around.

I turned my attention back to the two. Seriously. In order for me to see completely I have to turn my head into certain directions.

It's fucking lame having one eye.

"Actually, me and my boyfriend wanted to know –" I held up my hand and cut her off. I knew what they wanted. I knew what they _all _wanted. It's never every day you see a young man with an eye patch. It wasn't every day you saw a man randomly carrying a shotgun around attached to an awe (don't worry, I got a permit). I made people curious; entranced. I was like a mother fucking unicorn shitting a rainbow.

Story short - I was fucking incredible.

Yeah, I have an ego too. What did you expect? A fucking emo who was full of haunting memories and cried to his mommy over the phone? No, never. In fact, I didn't have a mom. I poisoned her with my illnesses and eventually she gave up and touched God's hand. If there was even a God. I didn't believe in one, fuck, I didn't even believe in the devil.

I just believed in life and death; that was it. That's all there was. Well, that and sadistic demons and mythical creatures. Don't forget sex, lots and lots of sex. And booze. And money. And music.

"So," I said to the two, kicking my feet up on the table. "You want to know my life story?"

The girl sat down, pulling her little puppy dog alongside her.

"Yeah, that would be-"

The boyfriend cut her off and grumbled, "Awesome."

I grabbed my carton of Camel's out of my shirt pocket and pulled out a cigarette. I placed it between my lips and flipped open my lighter, letting the hot flame give me all the release a horny man would ever need. One puff on that smoke and I was at peace. I blew a large circle of smoke into the direction of the two.

"Are you sure you want to know?" I asked them.

They both nodded, eyes wide like I was mother fucking Santa Clause about to give them their Barbie Dolls and racing cars.

I took a large inhale. "It all happened a month ago. It was a dark night full of romance and love…"

-:-

"When did you become such a romantic? Or are you just trying to get into my pants?" Rosalie asked me as we pulled up to my parent's cabin.

"Your pants, of course," I joked. She smiled at me and rolled her eyes.

"Look, I told you. No sex until our honeymoon," she said to me as we began to unpack the car. I felt myself groan like a child and pout.

"I can't wait that long!"

She stared at me in shock. "We're getting married in two days. You can wait."

"Grah!" I screamed as I pulled her into me, kissing her hard on the mouth. She pulled away, a wicked and smug smile on her lips.

"Don't even think about it mister," she stated as she walked inside.

_"You're not that good with women, are you?" the brunette asked. I snapped my head into her direction._

_"Just so you know women love me," I retorted with a wink from my good eye._

_The boyfriend snorted, "Full of yourself much?"_

_I turned my eye on him, taking a sip off my fresh beer. "Why do you think your lady over there came over here?" The boy swallowed hard and turned his head to the Prostoodle. She was blushing badly._

We made ourselves comfortable inside the small cabin. Rosalie was constantly rearranging dust covered furniture, pictures, and knick-knacks. It was maddening to watch. Here we were. The both of us. Alone. In a cabin. In the middle of nowhere. And all she cared about was making the place look neat.

"Rose, baby?" I crooned.

"Edward, baby?" she mocked.

"Can we please do something a little more fun?"

She sighed and wiped her hands on her jeans.

"I suppose we can. I brought movies," she said to me.

"What type of movies?" I asked, both my eyebrows rose and I smiled widely at her.

She breathed in disgust. "You're a perv, you know that?"

"That's why you love me," I stated.

I got stuck watching some fucking lame-ass chick flick that put Rosalie in tears. Here she was crying with the sadness when she should have been crying for mercy in that unoccupied bed across the hall.

_"I was bored out of my mind and decided to flee from the waterworks, making my way down to the study." I took a large sip from my beer, knowing I'd need to be fucked up in order to make it to the end of this tale._

_The two stared at me, waiting. I _eyed _them both, unsure if all of this would even be worth my damn time. _

_"That's when I found it."_

_The boy's eyes grew wide; stupid. "Found what?"_

Why don't you let me finish the fucking story so you can find out? _I thought to myself, just begging to say it to him. But I didn't for some odd fucking reason._

Once in the darkened room full of books and only books, well, if you don't count the shelves and pictures and whatnot, there was a desk that was covered in beige papers and dust, but that wasn't what made me go towards it.

There was some type of black capsule on it. I'm a grabby-hand type of person so of course I wasn't just going to ignore it. I picked it up, feeling the crevasses and bumps on it. Clearly they were intentional and supposed to be there. They had to be markings of some sort. Maybe even a different language, fuck, I didn't know. There was a latch on it, clearly it opened something. I held the small yet wide tube in my left hand and snapped it open.

That's when some weird David Copperfield shit happened.

Thunder rolled through the skies and the power shut off. Fog or smoke leaked from the tube and spilled over, filling the entire room. I should have dropped the tube, but I was curious. How the fuck could a piece of plastic do this?

Rosalie's scream had me jumping five feet in the year, along with the sound of glass shattering. I ran out of the room, tube in hand (like I'm going to leave it, come on), and the other one feeling the darkness in front of me.

"Rose!" I called out.

I walked into the living room, feeling the stab of cold wind hit my face. A strike of lighting lit the room, letting me see the broken window, the glass, the red, and even a strand of blonde.

Someone had taken her. Or…_something._

I felt the tube grow hot in my hand, mostly because of the worry I had flying through me.

"Fuck!" I shouted. My first plan: look for Rose. My second: get the power and my third; well…..possibly... jack off in the shower. Depends.

Out I went. Out into the coldness, the wind, the rain. But I wasn't going to go out with a weapon – I wasn't fucking retarded. The first thing I did was grab an axe from the trunk and a flashlight. There were no trails that could possible lead me to where she was.

That fucking sucked.

I was no cop. No beagle. I was just a horny guy with an axe.

_"So? Did you find her?" the chick asked._

_I snorted. "What the fuck do you think? Something busted a window to get her! She was gone. I even knew that, but I wasn't going to go without making an attempt to find her. I'm an asshole but I'm not a dick."_

_"Didn't know there was a difference," the boy-toy muttered._

_I turned my head into his direction. He seemed to grow smaller suddenly._

_"Anyways. I gave up about ten minutes later and went back inside. With the power on I could finally see what that tube was about without any interruptions…"_

Once inside the cabin, I made my way to the couch where I sat down. I ignored the glass and blood; I could clean it up later. I peeked my eye into the tube, probably stupid thing to do, but curiosity killed the cat right? I saw something yellowish in it. I stuck my index finger in it, rubbing against something rough. I reached in and pulled something out. Paper of sorts. Actually, it was more like construction paper. It was rolled up like a scroll.

I un-rolled it, reveling a bunch of squiggles. Clearly they were words, just written in some type of language I didn't understand. I wasn't sure what it could be, but at the bottom were names. I couldn't read them that well, it was written in cursive – I couldn't read cursive. It was a shame really, but we all had our problems.

But out of the whole thing there was only one word I could decipher.

"Morte," I read out loud. That's when the David Copperfield shit happened again. The lighting and thunder went off in sync and it was like some horror movie. I had a sudden feeling that Dracula or Frankenstein were going to pop out of a closet and scare that shit out of me.

Nah, that didn't happen. But what did happen? Something evil. I never saw it as a figure or a being, more of a presence; a ghost, a shadow. It watched me and I was becoming a paranoid freak. I spent three days straight in that cabin. I was out of food by the second day. I stayed in the study. I only ever went out to grab all the food and to occasionally use the bathroom.

It was coming for me like it came for Rosalie. When? I wasn't sure. But I'd be ready. Hopefully.

-:-

Midnight.

It came.

It came with a fierce hunger and the need to fuck me for all that I had to give. I didn't even have a chance to fight back. The wall behind me ripped from its existence and spit it back up into a million pieces. It dragged out the books. It dragged out all my trash from the food I had eaten.

It was a mother fucking black hole.

I didn't even get a chance to hold on to anything. It sucked me up like a drunken teenager trying to satisfy her frat boyfriends needs to be fucked.

I entered blackness and felt as if my insides were about to be torn out of me, after all wasn't that supposed to happen when you get sucked into a black hole? You get chopped up into a million pieces? Well, I went in as I was and came out the same. The landing hurt like a bitch. You try dropping for a wormhole and then land on the hard ground and not tell me that you'd rather have a horse's dick up your ass.

**To Be Continued...  
**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note:** I have most of this pre-written, I'm just taking forever to update so that way I can continue my procrastination of writing up the rest. I know, I'm awesome.

* * *

Once I finally could bear the pain, I sat up. The black hole was gone; all that was left was green, green and more mother-fucking green. For some odd reason the axe was still with me, I don't even remember having it when it sucked me up. But you'd probably forget about everything, too. Clearly I was in the woods, so I figured that I was just out by the cabin. That was until I realized that there was no life out here, except for deer and wild life and nature. Yuck.

I wandered those woods. I went in circles, I climbed over boulders, hell – I even climbed in trees. I could see nothing but more trees. I was fucking lost in the middle of god knows where. My only option? Find a way out. I walked, and I walked, and I walked until I was exhausted and sore. I was half daring to cut my own ankles off at one time. No wonder why girls always complained about shopping.

But this wasn't shopping. This was me finding my way out.

For hours, maybe even days, I walked that damn forest. Every tree looked the same and every smell smelt the same; shit, tree bark, and mud. I just wanted to go back to Forks and live my life the way I liked it. What the fuck did I do to be stuck here? Sure, I was a dick. But hey, aren't we all sometimes? What did I have to do to find a way out? Pray? Fuck.

"No way in hell," I muttered to myself, swinging my axe up and letting it slice its way through a log. I let out a breath and pulled it back out, willing myself to try some more.

And as if God heard my almost prayers, salvation was here. I spotted movement, a body, a man. He was wearing a pair of brown pants and a white button up shirt. He had curly blonde hair and was hauling something behind him. It was a dear. It's thin, boney legs were tied up and hooked by a rope. The man held onto the rope over his shoulder, just pulling the dead dear along him like normal people do that.

I was about to call him out but he dropped the rope and began running. He was cut off by a group of trees and my only option was to try to find him. I picked up my pace, making my sore and tired legs go where my mind commanded them to go.

This guy was like Houdini or something.

He just…disappeared. I tried following his footsteps but eventually they could not be found. I found myself kicking the dirt and cursing. That guy was my last fucking hope! The sound of a shotgun being cocked had my back straightening and my body tensing. I felt something jab against my back.

"What are you doing here?" a man asked with a slight southern accent to his tongue.

"Where is _here_ exactly?" I fired back.

"You're on prohibited land."

I sighed. "I'm not followin' you, bud."

"No humans are allowed in the woods, especially when twilight is a few hours away," he clarified.

What did he mean by humans? Who the fuck says that?

"Look, if you could point me back to the highway or at least a trail or a camp ground, I'd _really _appreciate that."

"Highway? Trail? Campground?" the guy said it like he was hearing a foreign language. "You're not from around here, are you?" The man pulled the gun away from me and allowed me to turn around. He eyed me with his light blue eyes. He rubbed a hand across his face where there was some hair. He studied me like I was a fucking lab rat.

I _hate _being stared at.

_"That explains a lot," the girls said with a snort, interrupting the story. _

_I huffed angrily and narrowed my eyes at her. "Really?"_

_The boyfriend intervened, "Jess, let him finish."_

_"Thank you, kid."_

"Could you, like, stop fucking staring at me!" I shouted at him after trying to ignore it for a minute.

He smiled, two rows of pearly whites showing off. "Definitely not from around here."

"How'd you get here? Better yet, how are you still alive?" he walked back to the spot where the dead dear was, hauling the rope over his shoulder again.

"I'm not sure. One minute I was in a cabin, the next I was here. Where am I?" I spoke.

He looked back at me, his eyes squinting.

"Well currently you are in Erian, which is the safest place to be for a human. I guess you're lucky I found you or else you'd be a meal for some hungry creature."

I snorted sarcastically. "Yeah, I'd hate to be eaten by a bear."

It was his turn to snort. He bust out into laughter, shaking his head and muttering some words I couldn't understand.

"What?" I shouted, irritated.

"Bears are the very least of your problem _here_."

He continued to pull the disgusting corpse and led me for what seemed like forever to a little cottage. It was like something out a fairytale. Why did I have a feeling that's what I was in? The man and I had not spoken one word since his cryptic reply. I preferred not talking to him. He just made me feel like a moron for not knowing anything.

He brought his fingers into his mouth and let out a high pitched whistle. A brown door opened, but no one came out. The two of us made our way to the door, where he carried the deer into the small little thing.

"Alice?" he called throughout the dainty, little home. A woman turned the corner. At least, I think it was a woman. She was very petite, almost like a little child. She wore a pale yellow summer dress. Her black hair was long and flowed down her back in lazy curls.

"Hello, dear," she said to the man, stepping on her tip-toes to place a kiss on his cheek.

"I've brought dinner," he breathed, pointing at the broken deer behind us.

"I see that, and you've brought a guest," she stated, her blues staring at me. I held back a shudder.

"Yes, I don't think he's from around here," the man whispered. The woman's eyes glazed over, for that second I didn't even care that she was staring at me. That was until she zoned back.

"Ah, yes. He sure isn't. Why don't we go take a seat, come on," she motioned for me to follow her. I did just this, not quite sure what either had planned for me. I found it odd to be here, in a stranger's home, _with_ strangers. These two were very odd and cryptic. I couldn't help but to feel myself grow paranoid. We sat at the small table, it was round and brown. There was a vase in the middle. But instead of flowers in it, it was just full of twigs. I stared at it.

Who the fuck has sticks in a yellow vase? I looked up at the woman who was talking to herself. I knew my answer then.

Crazy people.

"What is your name?" she asked me, her blue eyes wide with curiosity.

"Edward," I muttered, unsure about her.

She smiled and her eyes flashed to the man beside her. He shook his head at her, his eyes full of humor.

"Why did you ask?" he whispered.

She smiled at him. "You may used to me seeing into the future, but he is not. I'd prefer not to have him running and screaming through the forest. Wouldn't you?"

He sighed. "You're right. I apologize." The blonde haired man turned his attention to me. "My name is Jasper. This is my wife, Alice."

"'Sup?" I asked casually, saying the first thing that came to my head.

"'Sup?" the woman repeated, her eyebrows scrunched.

"What's up? You know, what's going? How are you?" What planet was she from? Neptune?

The man, Jasper, nudged her. "Not from around here, remember?"

"Oh! Right! Silly me, I keep forgetting. Edward, where are you from, exactly?"

I ran a hand through my tousled hair. "Forks? Do you guys know where that is or how I could get there?" I asked them, feeling homesick for once in my life.

"Forks? What type of name is that?" Jasper cawed.

"It's a town in Washington. You know, the U.S? AMERICA?" I was starting to get irritated. I just wanted to go home – I was sick of being here.

"There are no places with those names," the woman said nonchalantly.

"Well then Miss. Smarty Pants. Where am I then?" I replied in an irritated tone.

"Velton," she stated with pride.

I scoffed. "Velton? I've never heard of that."

The woman gasped abruptly, turning her attention on the man.

"That must be it!" she cheered.

"What? What must be it?" I asked, freaking out slightly. She turned back to me.

"Another universe! It would explain why you're here. You say you came out of a black hole, correct?" she spoke with enthusiasm.

"Uhm, well, I was, but I never said that I did," I said slowly. This woman was w-e-i-r-d.

_"ANOTHER UNIVERSE?" the boyfriend shouted then laughed. "You've got to be kidding me! Jessica, this guy is a loon. Let's go." He started to get up but the girlfriend stayed where she was. Girls – they just can't resist._

_"You go," she said, waving him off as she stared at me with anticipation. The boyfriend looked at me, at her and then at the door. He sighed and then sat back down._

_"You know, Matt?" I wasn't sure if that was his name. In fact, I didn't care. "There's this thing called common courtesy."_

_"You're kidding me, right!? You're such a hypo-"_

_The girlfriend cut him off, "Shh."_

_I winked at him and ordered another beer._

"It would only make sense. My mother once told me that it was possible for other realms to exist and portal's that would somehow transfer someone from one world to another. I just didn't think it was possible." Her hands were secured over her mouth as she stared at me in amazement.

I could only wish not to be stared at.

"Look, it's great we just found out that fantasy and sci-fi is real, but I just want to go home. Do you know where I can find another black hole to suck me up and take me back?" I asked, my voice desperate.

She pursed her lips, humming as she thought.

"How'd you open the black hole before? Did you say some form of chat? Did you do a ritual? Was any dark magic used?" she interrogated.

"No. I was just with my girlfriend at a cabin in the woods. We were doing nothing wrong," I replied in a whine.

"Are you sure? You didn't do or say anything that might have triggered this teleportation?"

I thought about it for a second, and then it hit me. "Well, I did find this weird looking tube. I opened it and that's when all the ridiculous shit happened." I waved my hand like it was something from the past – well, it was.

"A tube? What do you mean a tube? And what ridiculous _shit_?" For some odd reason I couldn't help but to laugh at the word coming from her small mouth. She stood up from her chair, pushing it far behind her as her eyes stayed securely glued on mine. She moved until she was sitting beside me. My eyes looked to the side, staring at the man who was suddenly unsure about me.

"Tell me everything. It's very important you do so," she said in a hesitant, cautious tone.

I inhaled, taking in a woodsy smell. "Okay. So I found the tube right? Little pictographs etched into it. Anyways, I opened it up and fog came out of it, as if I had mixed up some bad chemicals or something like that. That's when my girlfriend, Rosalie, screamed. I went to go see was wrong.

"There was window broken, and she was gone. My only guess was that someone had taken her. I'm not sure who, though. And why would someone take a woman out of a cabin through a window? Makes no sense to me."

"A warning," the man spoke up, his eyes brows scrunched up. "My father used to tell me about this."

"About what, Jazz?" the woman purred, her eyes now on him. Thank-fucking-God.

"He read this book to me when I was a child. In it, there was a prophecy about a brave man who would make it so humans were in charge, not anything or anyone else. It was said that the man would be from a different world, with intentions of finding is own home."

The pixie-woman turned her large, blue eyes back on me. "Sounds like you!"

I coughed, "The brave part not so much."

"You, sir, are no coward," the man responded.

"You don't me," I replied.

He nodded his head. "But I do. I've read about you, or at least the things you would do."

"So what are you saying? That this book was written by some sort of Nostradamus?" I asked with great disbelief.

"If this Nostradamus person was an oracle, then yes, that's who it was written by exactly," blondie said.

"An oracle? Like me?" the woman asked.

"Just like you," he whispered.

She looked at him, then at me, and then at him again. "Do you think he is my destiny?"

My eyes snapped to her. "Whoa, what?"

"He could be. Every oracle before you had one, it was only time before you found yours," he cleared up for her.

She smiled at me. "You, Mr. Edward, are in for quite a shock."

"Shock? Hell, lady. I'm living in it. Why don't you to stop this mumble-jumble and help a guy out? How do I get home?" I questioned them, my fists clenched.

"I'm afraid that you won't be going home," she said in an almost dark, seductive tone.

"Excuse me?" I squeaked. "Look, if you two aren't going to help me then I'll look for a way out on my own." I began to stand up, but her small, pale hand wrapped around my arm.

"Edward, I can get you home," she said slowly. "You're just going to have to trust me."

_Sure I'll trust you,_ I thought to myself. _Then when you try to stab me in the back I'll be stuck here._

"Groovy," I said nonchalantly.

**And Then There Was Cliffhanger Music…**


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note:** I'll update whenever I damn well feel like it!! *cowers in fear*

* * *

"Tell me again what I have to do," I spoke, panic falling from my tongue. Jasper threw me the reigns to the horse. I've never ridden a horse.

I actually feared horses.

They stared at me too much.

"You're going to go into the heart of Banning. They're you will find an identical scroll, like the one you had in the tube back in your world. You must return that scroll to Ruder, where you will meet a group of werewolves – hopefully in their human form."

"Hopefully," I scoffed.

"Edward," Alice chimed in. "You must stay calm, but very cautious. It's dangerous out there."

"But only at night, right?" I cut in, feeling the horse move beneath.

"Yes, almost." She took in my glanced of panic and quickly finished. "A lot of humans are hard to gain trust from. And if you're lucky, you'll meet two very kind vampires."

"Kind vampires? I've never heard of anything like that before," I responded.

"Yes, they are very odd, and very frowned upon. They have trust issues, so you must be careful if you do find them. They can serve you protection and I'm sure they will be more than willing to help you out."

I looked at the two of them. "What about you guys? What if I get the scroll to that one place-"

"Ruder," Jasper clarified.

"Ruder, sorry," I mumbled. "Alright. I make it to Ruder, then what? What if those werewolf people decide to kill me or something?"

"They probably will," Alice whispered.

"What!?"

She sighed then. "You just need to tell them that you've got the scroll. They'll do whatever they can to make sure that scroll is in good condition."

I nodded my head. "What's so important about this scroll anyways?"

"It's a treaty," Jasper stated as he made sure that the horse and I were prepared to go.

"A what?"

"It's basically the thing that stops the werewolves from killing the vampires. It was created way before most of the world's time."

"Gotcha."

"Edward, I'll teach you one thing about survival," Jasper said, handing me my ax. I took it gratefully and stuck it in a strap that was put across my shoulder and torso, kind of like a sash. "Intimidation."

"You're kidding, right?"

He laughed. "No, I'm not. If you can appear more tough and cut-throat, you'll probably make it out alive."

"Be a total bad-ass/jerk/killer. Hmm, I can do that."

_"And that's where this all started," the girl interrupted this time, motioning her hand over me._

_"What started?" I growled, eye narrowing._

_"Yep. I get it now," she smiled. "Continue."_

"Take this just in case." Jasper handed me his shotgun, along with a box full of bullets.

"Sweet," I purred.

"They're silver bullets, you never know," he stated with a wink.

"Gee, thanks, mister."

Hmm. The sarcasm already kicking in. Why did I have a feeling this was going to stick? Maybe it would suit me.

"Edward, there is something you must do when you reach the scroll first," Alice spoke, apprehensive.

"Which is?" I asked making weird head motions that I would never understand.

"Before you take the scroll from its resting place, you must say these words."

"Hit me."

"Vida. Santuario. Fe. Paz. Muerte."

"Is that Spanish?" I asked her.

"Yes, do you speak it?"

I snorted. "So you have no idea what 'fuck' and 'shit' means? But you can speak Spanish?"

Both she and Jasper shrugged.

"It's very odd, but do you know how to speak the language?" Alice hissed.

"Don't get all pissy at me!"

She glared.

"Yes, I do. I took three years of it in high-school."

"Good, now, repeat them," she demanded.

I scratched my head. "Can you say them again?"

She sighed. "Vida. Santuario. Fe. Paz. Muerte."

"Vida. Santuario. Fe. Pez. Morte?" I was unsure.

"Muerte!" she growled. "It's very important you get this right."

"Right, Muetre. Got ya."

"Again!" she commanded.

"I got it, I got it! I know your damn words, alright?" Fuck. She was annoying. Truthfully, I was glad to be getting away from her and her bossy-ways.

"You need to leave now so you'll make it into town before the sun sets. Jasper will take you half way."

"Wait, wait, wait. What do I do after I give the people their treaty?" I asked.

"Leave," Alice replied in a firm tone.

"Leave?" I responded.

"I'll find you. Don't worry," Jasper stated. Alice's eyes turned back to her husband who was preparing another horse. She eyed him in a very angered manor but he pretended as if nothing happened.

"Alright," I purred. "Let's do this thing."

_"Do you mind if I just cut to the good shit?" I asked, not too sure why._

_"Does anything exciting happen while you make your way to Banning?" the poodle-hooker asked._

_"Nah. Just a few swollen balls and the need to eat a bear."_

_"Then continue."_

_When the fuck did I turn into her bitch?_

After a long as trip of bouncing up in down and starving to death, I made it to Banning before sundown. I tied my horse to a tree. I mean, what else was I going to do with it? Let it go? No. I tied the reigns against the trunk of an oak or whatever it was and walked into the town. It actually looked sort of...normal. There were old houses and even little buildings. It was much like an old fashioned town. I sort of hoped there was a saloon. I mean, old westerns are the shit. But there was one thing. It was a Ghost Town. No one was out. It was silent and empty. There were no lights. I half wondered if I was even in the right place.

I walked through the 'busy' place, listening for the sounds of life. Seriously. I was beginning to wonder if I stunk. But then, a door opened. A man with blond hair and very, very pale skin stepped out, his eyes meeting mine.

"Who are you?" he asked in a very quite tone. I stared into his gold eyes, suddenly aware that this might be the person I was supposed to find.

"Are you Carlisle?" I asked.

His eyes grew wide. "Yes, yes I am." He looked around then, as if he was being watched. "You shouldn't be out here. Come on."

He motioned for me to come inside –

_"THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!" the kid snorted, laughing until he turned red. The chick and I stared at him until he calmed down._

_"Done?" I asked._

_He laughed a few more times, wiping at his teary eyes. "Yeah, yeah. Man. That was good."_

_"Yeah, real good." I glanced at the girl and she smiled at me. And then she smacked him against the back of his head. _

_I started my own laughing fit._

I followed him into the dark space. It was cold, at least, some places were more cold then others.

"Carlisle?" a woman's voice called out.

"Shh!" he suddenly shushed and grabbed my arm. That explains the cold. He towed me along. We went down a set of hard stairs and into darkness. Then….I think he left. The bastard trapped me here, wherever here was.

"Esme, who's with you?" the man's voice echoed from the darkness.

The same woman answered. "Bella. Come on, hurry. The sun will be setting any minute."

"Right, come in. Close the door. Hurry!" the man whispered.

"Carlisle?" a musical voice asked. "There's a human here."

"Yes, I know. He was out wondering. I couldn't just leave him." I heard the door shut and a light snapped on, making me wince at the sudden, painful brightness.

Once my vision finally came back, I was staring at the most gorgeous creature, who was staring back at me. Her eyes were a large crimson and her skin was freakishly pale. Her dark, long, chocolate locks flowed down her back like a fucking waterfall. She had the perfect curves that any woman would die for. God, I just wanted to fuck her then and there.

And here I thought Rosalie was the hottest, sexiest chick on the planet.

Well, back on _my_ planet she was.

But here, this woman, this _goddess_, fucking had me nearly humping her leg.

Then, suddenly, I felt a bunch of eyes on me. I looked away from her in order to make eye contact with two others. The man who'd brought me here stared at me with enough curiosity to share with a crowd of people. The other woman was very attractive, but the thought of boning her made me think of my mom. I gagged a few times.

"Are you alright?" the woman asked, her golden eyes on me.

"Yep. Perfect. Slightly nauseous and jet lagged. But I think I'll be fine," I clarified, my eyes making their way back to the goddess.

"Who are you?" the man asked. I snapped my attention back to him. "I've never seen you around here."

"Uh, yeah. Alice and Jasper sent me. I don't know if you know them…" I began but was cut off.

"Alice and Jasper? Why would they send you? How do they know you? They're just a couple of pariah's who shouldn't be meddling in anyone's business," the goddess spoke, her words running through me like a vibrator. _Did I just say that? Yes, yes I did. _

"Well," I started. "I'm on a mission."

"A mission?" the other woman asked. I tried to hold back a dry heave. I just couldn't get the thoughts of my mom naked out of my head. I was really fucked up.

"Yes," I responded.

"What type of mission?" the other woman asked. Once my eyes landed on her oddly red ones, I was gone. I stood there, staring at her with my mouth wide open. I think I drooled.

"Let's all sit down," Carlisle said, motioning to the tiny round table in the room.

I took that time to find out what type of place we were in. It was a basement, clearly. The walls were cement and it was slightly cold. The lights installed, however, were brand new and belonged in a school or a hospital. There were paintings and sculptures all around, making it look like a living room – just in the basement. Everything had a modern touch to it, it was homey.

Once we had all taken a seat, they immediately jumped into the interrogations.

"This mission you speak of, what it is?" the woman pried again.

"Well, if I want to get back home, I have to do some things." I had read and seen enough vampire movies and books to know that that's what these three were. I should have been frightened, but honestly, after getting sucked up through a vacuum and spat back out into a parallel dimension, I was past scared. But because they _were_ vampires and I intended to get them killed so I could go home, I had to be picky in the things I said.

"What sort of things?" the woman, Bella, said.

_Don't look at her. Don't look at her. Don't fucking look at her, _I thought to myself repeatedly, trying my hardest not to let gravity pull my head into her direction.

Fuck…I think I was going to look at her.

**Will This Agony Never End….**


End file.
